Well, I’ve finally cracked. I’ve been eating gluten-free  bread…..for nearly every meal over the past 3 days.

We all know that as of January 1, 2012 I’ve been back on my restricted diet. I have toyed with these kinds of “diets” and eating regimes since 2003 and have never been able to  last more than 4 months. If I dug into the vault, I would find food horror stories dating back to my early childhood but I’ll save that for another post.

I’ve been struggling to stay on this thing for about 2 weeks now. Easter chocolate stares me down every time I enter the supermarket, cakes taunt me at the cafe and ice cream calls to me in my sleep.

So far, I’ve stood my ground with these mental cravings but the bread got me.

I was shopping and I just picked it up and put it in my basket. There was no contemplating, no stressing over it and no feelings of guilt.

Until I had eaten half the loaf.

I’m now on my second loaf and just loving the extra food choices I have. Toast (with peanut butter and/or jam) and sandwiches (cucumber, tomato, tuna, egg salad, chicken salad…yum) have never tasted so good.

I know what many of you may be thinking….What is wrong with eating some bread?? And the answer is: Nothing…but…..

Yeast is on my list of restricted items and you just cannot find yeast-free bread in the world…not the world that I live in anyway!! So, I do feel like a failure.

I was so determined to make it until my goal day of May 1, 2012 that I cannot help but to feel like I’ve failed myself in some minor way.

I’m currently reading Portia de Rossi’s book, Unbearable Lightness, which is about her unhealthy obsession with weight loss and  body image. Of course, she had an eating disorder. I do not.

I’m happy(ish) with my body and do not do this for weight loss. I do like the fact that I do lose weight when on it but I NEVER EVER count calories!!Even so, my hubby thinks I have some sort of eating disorder…..in a joking kind of way.

Yes, I restrict certain foods in the hope that it will correct my sinus issues. So far, it has not proven to be greatly effective unless I’m all the full-on anti-candida diet (which is extremely hard and grueling).

Even so, I feel more healthy overall. But I would love to find a happy medium to my food dilemmas.

Honestly, I’m scared that if I allow myself to eat pasta, cake,  chocolate or have a beer, I won’t be able to stop myself until my health gets so deflated that I’ll have to start this regime all over again. I’m also scared of not being able to go back to those foods with a clear conscious.

I know I’m not alone here. We have so many food choices today, many of which are unhealthy and health depleting,  that it is causing mental, physical and emotional problems; something I am aware of in myself.

I’m going on  holiday on May 1 and this thing will end then (?). I’m looking forward to eating and blogging about food and travel. I already have a lunch date booked in West Vancouver where I plan to order whatever takes my fancy!!

Gotta go…..my toast in burning!