The past 3 weeks (since my last blog post) have gone so fast, I just can’t believe it. Nor can I believe that I have not written a post since April 9th.
Last time, I spoke about having too much on my plate. So much, in fact that I forgot about my blog. That’s not entirely true (I didn’t forget but I surely neglected), but if you read that post called How much is too much, you will see I didn’t even include it on my list of TO DO. Shame on me.
I actually let the largeness of that list and the commitments attached to it consume me. And not in a good way.
I let things crumble around me slowly but surely.
This past week, things (my madness) got to the breaking point. There were days I could have snapped in two; I was so rigid and uptight. I was so focussed on WHEN I was going to pull this writing and photography career off that I lost control of the only thing that matters: The HERE & NOW.
I was engrossed in making a schedule of my time; one so rigid that I could not keep up with it. Not even for one day. It was unrealistic and by no surprise, I shut down: mentally and nearly physically. I couldn’t keep up with my own personal demands on my body, mind, emotions and soul. Everything started to slow down. I did work. I had lots of writing assignments for the newspaper plus Master T home on school holidays to keep me UP and active but my other stuff stopped. Mild depression settled in and set up camp.
I stopped exercising. I stopped writing my novel. I stopped studying. I certainly stopped trying to be an attentive mother. Thank goodness he’s a 7-year-old with an iPod, a TV, lots of LEGO and books.
I was stressed about money, my procrastination, my loss of drive and a very big financial decision hung over my head as did an impending month-long overseas holiday.
I wanted everything to stop.
Except The Voice. I wanted The Voice to be on 24 hours a day. I needed that kind of motivation and inspiration near me. But that’s another post.
I was terrified and I hated myself for digging an enormous hole. A hole I would have to climb out of, eventually.
I made the big decision (new camera gear is on the way), the trip was postponed, I shut the computer off on Saturday and most of Sunday (today) and I let myself be free to do as much or as little as I wanted to at the moment. I know I need to stop forcing myself to do things because I think THAT IS the only way to get things done. It doesn’t work for me. I need a new system. I let go of everything for a few days and it worked.
I’m out of the hole, or at the very least, I’m close to the top. My nails are a mess!!
There’s something within me that I don’t quite understand but it’s some kind of mechanism in my soul that refuses to let me fall completely.
There’s been many times in my life where I could have gone down dark and dreary paths, and sometimes I did choose that but only for a short time. Whether it was drugs, alcohol, people, food, jobs, a mental state or a real live wrong turn, I always seem to know when I need to change direction and head towards the light.
I am destined to succeed, I just forget sometimes.
I have a quote by Jack Welch sitting in front of me that says:
Change before you have to
It’s the kind of reminding that I need. Constantly.
If it’s broken, FIX IT. My way of thinking and my self-worth was broken but it’s on the mend now.
My next post will surely be about The Voice!
April 29, 2013 at 4:28 am
I relate so much to this. Glad you’re feeling better. When I feel overwhelmed, a day or two of unstructured, creative space to just be usually gets me back on track. However, I also struggle with pulling myself back into a more structured way of existing. It’s like I’m one extreme or the other — creatively free-spirited or a complete control-freak workaholic. I used to berate myself (and still do on occasion) when I would slip into either extreme, but once I accepted that both states are temporary and understood that shifting was a challenge for me, I was able to pace myself a bit better. Man, it’s always a process for me, though. Glad to see you back blogging and look forward to reading more.
April 29, 2013 at 4:36 pm
I “allowed” myself to take another day off today. Just online ow checking emails and finishing off an assignment but today has been awesome!! I’ve known I’m an “all or nothing” type for a long time but it’s so easy to get lost in thought and stress.
Happy to have said something that you can relate to – thanks for reading. Isn’t it comforting to know that we’re not alone in our freakiness?
April 29, 2013 at 6:22 am
I hear you- I’m one who tends to extremes too. We drive ourselves so hard!
April 29, 2013 at 4:38 pm
All or nothing – Why does it have to be like that? Why is balance so hard to find? I feel an article coming on…..lol!