Kai Chronicles

Eating, exploring and enjoying life


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Today, I feel “normal”

So, today I feel good. Maybe even great.

To be honest, I’ve been quite down lately.

I’ve even been having some scary panic attacks.

I think it’s the changes I’ve made. As much as I want to accept it, I’m struggling with the decision.

I’m such an all or nothing kind of person that I fell into a void and adopted the attitude of, “I can’t be assed to do anything”.

fucketlist

And little have I done. Or at least, in my mind, I have done little this month.

My reporting paycheque is going to possibly be the lowest I’ve had since I started with the paper back in August 2012. And that scares the hell out of me.

I know I have issues with money and I need to change that. I need to forget about the money side of EVERYTHING!

It’s hard to do.

But today, I stuck to my proposed schedule and I actually accomplished some stuff.

I’m working on a new website, which is really exiting.

I feel like I’m motivated again.

And if I can stick to my weekly roster (at reduced hours in the “office”) I may just beat my anxiety and depression.

And the upside to my melancholy is that I’m back to reading!! Before, my mind was too busy to sit down with a novel but now,  I’ve devoured 2 romance novels in less than 2 weeks! That has also inspired me to get back to working on my own novel.

 

bad times


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Black Moon: A time for change

Black moon 2014

I know the new moon is a great time for manifesting wishes and dreams and I often set aside time during this time to write down, or at least think about what it is I want from myself and my life.

A black moon is quite rare. It’s the second new moon in a month. They say, it brings change. As always, I see this as a good time to manifest. I want certain things to happen, so I welcome the change.

It’s 30 days into the new year and I have only just though about what I want from this year. I’ve tried to be clear but I must say, my thoughts and wishes have been a bit all over the place. I don’t want to leave out areas of my life so I try to include each in my goal setting but the results often end up being muddled throughout. But I am willing to change to see my dreams come true.

In no particular order, here is a sample of my goals for 2014.

Relationships

  • to give more of my time and attention to my son
  • to accept the things I cannot change about my husband
  • to love and accept myself more

Career

  • to write something that is helpful, useful and/or entertaining
  • to write for health publications on a regular basis
  • to break into travel writing and photography
  • be published in The West Australian 4 times
  • to establish myself as a photographer
  • to achieve my financial goals
  • to get my novel to submission status
  • to submit it a publisher
  • to receive my diploma of photography
  • to do a creative writing course
  • to do in-house photography workshops in Perth
  • to exceed my income goals
  • to start another novel

Travel

  • Margaret River – family
  • Road trip from Jurien Bay to Exmouth and back – family
  • Bali  – solo wellness/yoga holiday

Personal

  • drive to and within Perth city
  • obtain flat abs
  • inspire better eating habits in my son
  • meditate daily
  • weekly yoga class (minimum)
  • daily fitness (6 days)
  • maintain good health
  • never be in debt
  • to stop wasting precious minutes

Material (much to do with work)

  • new laptop
  • 100mm macro lens
  • kneeling desk chair
  • new iPhone
  • book shelf for office
  • new runners
  • mountain bike
  • mini trampoline

For this to happen, I must change some of my habits. I have faith that this black moon will bring positive change to me – if I do the ground work.

What change would you welcome this year?

 


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What’s Working for me Wednesday

 

WWW

What’s working for me today is the same thing that has been working for me for the past 5 days: The ability to let go and stress less.

Of course, to do this, I needed to STOP my routine and take several steps backwards. I have really stepped away from the merry-go-round that is the life of a freelance writer and damn it feels great! Don’t get me wrong, I love my job but it’s hard to handle sometimes and I dare any freelance writer to say they have never let it get to them. (The IT may only be known to other writers)

But aside from being more carefree and approachable, I have other great news!!!

My brand spanking new Canon EOS 6D DSLR with EF 24-105mm lens (along with other camera add-ons) arrived today!! I have unpacked it and put the battery on charge. I have to wait for it the fully charge before I can have a play. It’s pretty exciting. I am also happy to report that I submitted my first photography assignment and received a respectable 8/10. I was happy with that (though the perfectionist in me wanted more). It’s amazing how things just seem to happen when the pressure is taken off.

I have decided to make this post the last WWW (What’s Working for me Wednesday). I feel it’s run its course and I want to move more towards specific health, wellness, food and travel posts.

Change is good and so necessary in my life. I get stale and crusty if I do the same thing for too long.

Do you always act when you know you need a change? 


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I forgot all about this little blog and some other important things

forget

 

The past 3 weeks (since my last blog post) have gone so fast, I just can’t believe it. Nor can I believe that I have not written a post since April 9th.

Last time,  I spoke about having too much on my plate. So much, in fact that I forgot about my blog. That’s not entirely true (I didn’t forget but I surely neglected), but if you read that post called How much is too much, you will see I didn’t even include it on my list of TO DO. Shame on me.

I actually let the largeness of that list and the commitments attached to it consume me. And not in a good way.

I let things crumble around me slowly but surely.

This past week, things (my madness) got to the breaking point. There were days I could have snapped in two; I was so rigid and uptight. I was so focussed on WHEN I was going to pull this writing and photography career off that I lost control of the only thing that matters: The HERE & NOW.

I was engrossed in making a schedule of my time; one so rigid that I could not keep up with it. Not even for one day. It was unrealistic and by no surprise, I shut down: mentally and nearly physically. I couldn’t keep up with my own personal demands on my body, mind, emotions and soul. Everything started to slow down. I did work. I had lots of writing assignments for the newspaper plus Master T home on school holidays to keep me UP and active but my other  stuff stopped. Mild depression settled in and set up camp.

I stopped exercising. I stopped writing my novel. I stopped studying. I certainly stopped trying to be an attentive mother. Thank goodness he’s a 7-year-old with an iPod, a TV, lots of LEGO and books.

I was stressed about money, my procrastination, my loss of drive and a very big financial decision hung over my head as did an impending month-long overseas holiday.

I wanted everything to stop.

Except The Voice. I wanted The Voice to be on 24 hours a day. I needed that kind of motivation and inspiration near me. But that’s another post.

I was terrified and I hated myself for digging an enormous hole. A hole I would have to climb out of, eventually.

I made the big decision (new camera gear is on the way), the trip was postponed, I shut the computer off on Saturday and most of Sunday (today) and I let myself be free to do as much or as little as I wanted to at the moment. I know I need to stop forcing myself to do things because I think THAT IS the only way to get things done. It doesn’t work for me. I need a new system. I let go of everything for a few days and it worked.

I’m out of the hole, or at the very  least,  I’m close to the top. My nails are a mess!!

There’s something within me that I don’t quite understand but it’s some kind of mechanism in my soul that refuses to let me fall completely.

There’s been many times in my life where I could have gone down dark and dreary paths, and sometimes I did choose that but only for a short time. Whether it was drugs, alcohol, people, food, jobs, a mental state or a real live wrong turn,  I always seem to know when I need to change direction and head towards the light.

I am destined to succeed, I just forget sometimes.

I have a quote by Jack Welch sitting in front of me that says:

Change before you have to

It’s the kind of reminding that I need. Constantly.

If it’s broken, FIX IT. My way of thinking and my self-worth was broken but it’s on the mend now.

destiny

©Jennifer Morton Photos

My next post will surely be about The Voice!