The past 3 weeks (since my last blog post) have gone so fast, I just can’t believe it. Nor can I believe that I have not written a post since April 9th.
Last time, I spoke about having too much on my plate. So much, in fact that I forgot about my blog. That’s not entirely true (I didn’t forget but I surely neglected), but if you read that post called How much is too much, you will see I didn’t even include it on my list of TO DO. Shame on me.
I actually let the largeness of that list and the commitments attached to it consume me. And not in a good way.
I let things crumble around me slowly but surely.
This past week, things (my madness) got to the breaking point. There were days I could have snapped in two; I was so rigid and uptight. I was so focussed on WHEN I was going to pull this writing and photography career off that I lost control of the only thing that matters: The HERE & NOW.
I was engrossed in making a schedule of my time; one so rigid that I could not keep up with it. Not even for one day. It was unrealistic and by no surprise, I shut down: mentally and nearly physically. I couldn’t keep up with my own personal demands on my body, mind, emotions and soul. Everything started to slow down. I did work. I had lots of writing assignments for the newspaper plus Master T home on school holidays to keep me UP and active but my other stuff stopped. Mild depression settled in and set up camp.
I stopped exercising. I stopped writing my novel. I stopped studying. I certainly stopped trying to be an attentive mother. Thank goodness he’s a 7-year-old with an iPod, a TV, lots of LEGO and books.
I was stressed about money, my procrastination, my loss of drive and a very big financial decision hung over my head as did an impending month-long overseas holiday.
I wanted everything to stop.
Except The Voice. I wanted The Voice to be on 24 hours a day. I needed that kind of motivation and inspiration near me. But that’s another post.
I was terrified and I hated myself for digging an enormous hole. A hole I would have to climb out of, eventually.
I made the big decision (new camera gear is on the way), the trip was postponed, I shut the computer off on Saturday and most of Sunday (today) and I let myself be free to do as much or as little as I wanted to at the moment. I know I need to stop forcing myself to do things because I think THAT IS the only way to get things done. It doesn’t work for me. I need a new system. I let go of everything for a few days and it worked.
I’m out of the hole, or at the very least, I’m close to the top. My nails are a mess!!
There’s something within me that I don’t quite understand but it’s some kind of mechanism in my soul that refuses to let me fall completely.
There’s been many times in my life where I could have gone down dark and dreary paths, and sometimes I did choose that but only for a short time. Whether it was drugs, alcohol, people, food, jobs, a mental state or a real live wrong turn, I always seem to know when I need to change direction and head towards the light.
I am destined to succeed, I just forget sometimes.
I have a quote by Jack Welch sitting in front of me that says:
Change before you have to
It’s the kind of reminding that I need. Constantly.
If it’s broken, FIX IT. My way of thinking and my self-worth was broken but it’s on the mend now.
My next post will surely be about The Voice!