Kai Chronicles

Eating, exploring and enjoying life


I’ve thought of suicide.

There’s that word: Suicide.

It makes people uncomfortable, tense, ashamed and sad; it’s a topic that very few will talk about.

World Suicide Prevention Day is September 10th and I am raising my hand to say that, yes I have thought about it in the past.

We’ve all had ups and downs in life,  times so horrible that even suicide was a seemingly viable option. But it’s really only a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Before anyone gets carried away with this post, I’d like to assure you that I am not suicidal and I have never seriously taken the thought passed the confinements of my own mind. I am in an extremely happy place and my goal in this post is to raise awareness to the taboo subject.

I’ve actually had 2 newspaper pieces published about the subject in the past 2 weeks. I hope the pieces may bring hope to anyone who is contemplating life/ death and show that they are not alone. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in Australia. It ranks higher in some countries. This can change with love, support and understanding.

Just now,  Katchafire’s  haunting song, Hold On plays through my iTunes. The song is  about a bloke who chooses to take his own life. Here are the lyrics.

he never reach 27
he always looked unfriendly
always supported the fighting
and he never did lose until that day
that day
took the tip of that gun got his brain
he worked from Monday till Friday
hands like concrete when it’s ready
took the family dinner on Wednesday
nobody thought he’d lose
what a terrible day
I know he will be tripin on my words
I’m singing to you

hold on
there’s a solution out there
you got to let it take you
back up and slow down
there’s no easy way of turning back
turning back
when your head is singing
there’s no easy way of turning back

he never told anybody
he was feeling unsteady
he didn’t know that we love him
nobody ever told him now it’s too late
I know he will be tripin on my words
hold on

BUY on iTunes here:

I cannot listen to this kiwi band without lamenting about my dear friend, Andrew “Smitty” Smith. He loved Katchafire and we’d groove to their tunes when we lived in Queenstown.  He hung himself 5 years ago and it’s something I will never get over. Just writing this now brings a lump in my throat and tears to my eyes. Hold on…

Andy was like a little brother to Mr M and I, so when he died so suddenly and so violently at his own doing,  it felt like a piece of my soul had been damaged.

So, this post is not only for the ones thinking that suicide is an option (it’s NOT) but also for all the family and friends who have been left on this earth to figure out how such a thing could have happened.

I can’t imagine one person who has lost someone this way to not have ever had the thought of, ‘How could I have not seen that they were hurting’ or ‘Why didn’t I do something?’

Andy is not the only suicide in my circle of friends and family. When Mr M’s 24 year-old cousin killed herself in 2003, I remember well the words spoken from the funeral director or clergyman.

“There is nothing you could have done.”

I don’t believe that. Sure, I believe in fate and destiny and that everything happens for a reason but I refuse to believe that one person, thought or situation cannot change the path of another.

As humans, I think we need to let go of the super human, nothing bothers me persona. We all hurt. We are all capable of the same emotions but for some reason we think that talking about the low times will make us look weak or like we are failing at life.

When I feel like depression is grabbing hold of me, I bring myself back to the present moment and focus on what my body is feeling as a way to get myself out of my afflicted mind. I know that method may not work for everyone.

If that doesn’t work for you, CALL someone. If you don’t have someone who you can confide in, call your national help line. I will post some numbers at the end.

Mr M and I did not attend Andy’s memorial (held in New Zealand) in 2007 but we both sent pieces to be read.  Here’s what I sent.  It was written the day after receiving the news. It’s a raw and emotional piece of writing that explains everything I was feeling at the time…and still.

Smitty’s dead

Was all that he said

And my heart

Broke in two

The pain that I feel

Unfortunately real

And certain to scar

My soul

To lose you this way

Unthinkable to say

And utter sorrow

Consumes me

I’ll think of the laughter

Forever after

And remember you

As a friend

Life must go on

Though you are gone

And miss you…….

I will

 Remember the saying, “This too shall pass,” and talk about life with your friends, family and/or supportive community groups. There are many people feeling the same way at this moment. Please speak out…..to anyone who will listen.

Lifeline Australia 13 11 14

Lifeline New Zealand 0800 543 354

Northern Ireland 0800 808 8000

Lifeline USA 1 800 273 TALK (8255)

Suicide Hotline Canada 1 800 448 1833

Hopeline UK  0800 068 41 41

What suicide leaves behind

Less than 2 years ago, a young Australian mother of 2 watched her husband take his own life.  Lori is now an ambassador for suicide prevention and urges  men (especially) to speak out before another mother has to raise her kids without a father. Her blog is called Random ramblings of a stay-at-home-Mum. Have a read.

We’re all humans. We all have to deal with that negative talk that’s in our head. It’s not what’s real. If you need help, please ask someone: a friend, family member, teacher, pastor, counselor, doctor…anyone who will listen. Hold on….