September 13th was RUOK day in Australia. It’s a day dedicated to asking your fellow human being, R U OK? And I totally missed it.
I missed it because I spent most of my day being NOT ok.
I spent 90% of my day being angry, sad and more angry.
Thankfully, I had some friends on Facebook to chat to that released some of the negative emotion, even if only for a short period.
The anger was born from a collection of pent-up emotions that come from living with other human beings. We’ve all been there….I’m thankful to be over it now. But some of the anger remains…
Remember my last post? As I wrote that, I had no way of knowing that a friend (JF) in New Zealand was planning his own suicide. Unfortunately, he succeeded and has now left his parents, a wife, kids and a long string of friends to mourn him and ask why.
I skipped the first stage of grief, denial and went straight to anger (with the help of other issues of my own).
It’s been 2 days since finding out and the anger is waning. I want to be in denial (stage 1), let’s just pretend this didn’t happen. I mean I hadn’t spoken to him since Christmas 2005. What a regret to carry.
I’d known JF since April 2001, when I was a tourist to New Zealand and he worked with Mr M (hubby).
The two continued to work together and in 2003, when JF started his own business, Mr M went to work for/with him. It was a small enterprise so we became quite close with JF.
When Mr M & I got married in March 2004, JF was an important part of our wedding day. He closed his business for half the day so we could all fly to Queenstown in his plane. He even acted as my witness at our courthouse ceremony and was our personal photographer too.
He was a loving and caring person. I had no idea he was tormented enough to take his own life.
I’m ashamed to say that I judged him over something that I did not see clearly and our relationship had been non-existent since late 2005. The last time I saw him, I was heavily pregnant and he was planning his own wedding, which I didn’t attend.
I know stage 4 (depression) is just around the corner but I know I will see through it.
I hope JF is at peace now.
Is there someone from your past that you would like to re-connect with? Do it now. Do it today. You never know when it may be their last day on earth.
RIP JKF…..you are loved.